Counting Stars
by Celestial Phoenix
Summary: Warning: It's yaoi, i.e. boy/boy. Very angst-filled. It's a 2x5 fic. It's about Wufei, and how messed up he is. I'm looking for feedback, comments are welcome. Some 3x4 and 1x?. Now complete!!
1. Prologue: Wufei

Warnings: This may not look like a yaoi fic yet, BUT IT IS.Anyone uncomfortable with homosexual relationships, LEAVE NOW.There should be some elements of 2x5 in later fics.Also, Wufei haters should leave.

Finally, Gundam Wing does not belong to me;none of its characters belong to me, nor will they ever.Anyway, thanks for reading my fic.

Counting Stars

Prologue: Wufei

Sometimes, when it was late, and there were no missions, Wufei would find himself contemplating the universe, and his own place in it.He would question his actions then, so he could forget all his doubt later, when it mattered.

He always forced himself to forget.

When Wufei was still a weak child, he had once spent an entire night counting the stars.He lay on the ground, completely alone, until the sun began to rise.Then he came to a conclusion that would stay with him forever, haunting him during the night.The pure truth of this revelation would force him to spend the rest of his life trying to prove it wrong.

That last star had been fading from the sky; he could never remember what number it had been.He watched it go, and realized he would always be alone.

If he took a space ship, and flew to that star, and landed on a planet orbiting around it, he would be just as far away from the stars as ever.He would look up into the sky of that distant world and see a completely different set of stars.But still the same.No matter how far he traveled, he'd always end up in the same place.And there'd just be some more lonely stars to count.

The first time he realized this he shut it into the back of his mind.It was the truth, most definitely, but it was pointless to dwell on it if it couldn't help him.But he couldn't let it go.

Instead, he held this truth close to his heart.There, he could take it out occasionally, and remind himself of it.That way, losses and disappointments didn't upset him as much as they should have.They just could join that truth in that dark pit below his heart.That way, he could take them out and dwell on them.And never let them go.Wufei never let anything go.

So, on those cold nights (before he finally slept and dreamt his gray dreams of nothing) he would sit and count the stars locked up inside his brain.Perhaps he hoped that if he counted high enough he would reach a new conclusion.Then he could throw away that old belief, and stop counting altogether.But the sun always rose, or he fell asleep, before he got a chance.


	2. Stars Fade in Sunlight

Warnings: Yaoi, 3x4.Don't read if this upsets you.I do not own Gundam Wing, or anything having to do with it.

Notes: This part is 3x4.

Counting Stars

Part 1: Stars Fade In Sunlight

Quatre woke up next to a warm body, Trowa.He turned to look at him, and saw Trowa already staring at him.

"I love you, Trowa," Quatre said, softly.

Trowa smiled ever-so-slightly in return.Then, as he knew how important words could be for Quatre, he repeated them back.

"I love you," he responded.

It had been three months since they had first shared a bed.Since then, every morning after(of which there had been many), Trowa had slipped back into his own room or his own bed.

Three months.This realization hit Quatre, and he frowned.

Like a dusty mirror, Trowa's own expression darkened, "What's wrong, Quatre?"

"I think. . ." Quatre started, "I think it's time to tell them.I don't want to hide this anymore."

Trowa stared at his lover a moment before responding, "All right, Quatre," after all, it had never been his decision to hide it.At least not from the other pilots.Heero wouldn't care, Duo would tease them-but when had he ever cared about that?- and Wufei would take it as a weakness, and maybe rant a little, but he'd get over it.

So Trowa didn't mind.But for now. . .

Quatre wasn't surprised when Trowa kissed him.As the kiss deepened,though, he was very pleased.

When Trowa and Quatre came out of their room holding hands, Duo was the first to notice.

Duo gave a noise that sounded vaguely like "eep," and spilled his coffee on his lap.

Heero looked up at the sound of Duo's long and skillful string of obscenities.He noted the spilled coffee with something nearing amusement before spotting Quatre and Trowa.

_Hmmm. . ._

He then closed his laptop and folded his hands on the table.This had some potential to be _very_ amusing.Spending so much time with Duo had given him a rather dark sense of humor.

Wufei, noting with some surprise that Heero had _closed his laptop_ looked up from the book he was reading.When he noticed the couple, he gave a slight, tense cough.This was not going to be pleasant.He set his book down.They were obviously here to announce something, um, important.

Once his pants had started to cool, Duo sat down again.It wasn't the hand-holding that had shocked him; he'd known something was going on.But they sure looked _sweaty._And Quatre looked very, very pleased with himself.Trowa looked _smug._He had an odd quirk in his eyebrow that wasn't generally seen.Except, maybe, by someone he was about to kill.

Quatre looked at the other three pilots in amusement.They all looked like they were waiting for their teacher to give them a lecture.Especially Wufei, who looked preemptively angry.Quatre had been against coming out(literally and figuratively) in this state, and holding hands.But it was worth it.This was the right way.Even if they didn't say anything, the other pilots would know.There was no backing out now.

"Erm," Quatre began.There was no point getting help from Trowa in the talking department.He'd have to do this himself.But the constant pressure on his hand, if a little sweaty, was good for reminding him that he was not alone.

"Erm. . .," he repeated.Dammit, he should have thought about what he was actually going to _say_ before he came to say it.

Duo, sensing a crisis, jumped up from his chair, "Hey Quatre, Trowa, congrats!I thought something was going on!"All eyes were on him now.

"You did?" Quatre asked, surprised.They had been so _careful._

Heero spoke up now, "I noticed something, as well," this was getting very interesting, but his laptop beckoned._Check for missions. . ._ it intoned.He complied.

Heero knew?

Wufei cleared his throat, "Of course we knew.But that's no reason to tell us about it.There are some things that should be kept private, especially-,"

Duo interrupted him, "You saw it too, Wufei?I thought I was the only one.Jesus, guys," he was now addressing the lovers, "if even Heero and Wufei noticed, you could've been a little more discreet.I can't even count how many times I've seen Trowa wandering around the hallways late at night.And the walls on our last safe house were kind of thin. . . I didn't really know until I heard-,"

"Thank you for your support, Duo," Quatre stepped in.He really did not want to know what Duo had heard.

Wufei seemed to agree.It was the breakfast table, after all.

"No problem, Quatre."

Wufei thought about their last safe house.It _had _been rather noisy during the night.He had been hoping Quatre had just really needed Trowa to help him move his furniture.A lot.

Quatre smiled at Trowa.This had gone much better than he'd thought it would.

Still smiling, he kissed Trowa gently.Trowa protested slightly, they were in front of people, but not for long.They didn't notice when Wufei turned bright red and buried his face in his book.Or when Duo pushed them out of the room, telling them to get a room.They followed his advice, though.

_Just don't think about it, _Wufei thought, thereby ignoring his own warning.

Duo snickered.Wufei had looked like he was going to hemorrhage for a moment there.This was looking to be a good day.


	3. Reality

Warnings: Yaoi, 5x2, 3x4.Don't read if it will upset you.I do not own Gundam Wing, or anything having to do with it.

Notes: Duo has a strange dream.

Counting Stars

Part 2: Reality

Duo dreamed of the other pilots.They all stood in a circle around him.Quatre and Trowa were holding hands, Heero was looking at the floor, and Wufei was standing slightly back from the others.

Quatre looked at him, then away, "We have to go," he said, brushing his hair from his face, "We only stay with real people."

"Yes," Trowa said, smiling down at Quatre, "You're just a figment of Quatre's overactive imagination."

Quatre smiled, "But you saw them too, right?So it wasn't just me?"

"I never saw them, Quatre," Trowa said, leading his love away.

They faded away.Only Wufei and Heero were left.

Heero looked at Duo, then Wufei, "I am real; at least more so than you, Duo.I can't see you; I can't even kill you,"he didn't even start to walk away, like Quatre and Trowa had.He just faded where he stood.

Duo looked at the remaining pilot.Wufei was staring at the sky, seemingly enthralled.

"Just you and me, Wufei," Duo tried to see what Wufei was looking at, but saw nothing.

"I can see the stars; can't you see them, Duo?" Wufei asked.His voice came from far away.

Duo looked again.Still nothing.

"Too many to count," Wufei sighed, then looked down, "I can't talk to you until you see them, Duo.You should know that.You can't become real until you do, and I can't until I don't," he laughed, bitterly, "But this is only a dream, and you'll never see."

Duo tried again, but there was only empty blackness above them, "See what, Wufei?"

"The others left us behind, Maxwell.We have to find our own way out," Wufei ignored the question.He stepped forward and placed his hands on Duo's shoulders.

For one strange second Duo thought Wufei was going to kiss him.Instead, he stepped back and said, "Anyway, it's time for you to wake up now."

Duo sat up in his bed, noticeably out of breath.He knew, suddenly, that the others must be gone.He got up and ran into the kitchen.

Wufei was sitting alone, sipping some tea.He looked up as Duo entered.

"Where are the others?" Duo asked, breathlessly.

"They're gone," Wufei said, turning back to his book.

"What?!"

Wufei looked up again, annoyed now, "They left on a mission.While you were sleeping."

That made sense, "But they just left us?We weren't needed?"

"Obviously," Wufei said, even more aggravated. 

Duo tried to question him some more, but Wufei got up and left; he hadn't even finished his tea.Duo ate alone.

That night, Duo had an old dream.In a way, it was comforting.He knew and understood his old nightmares.

But even though he understood it, the dream still woke him up long before the sun showed itself.Used to waking up this early, he decided to go check on his Gundam so that he could calm down and sleep again.He usually watched television, but this place didn't have one.

Duo was surprised to see Wufei's door slightly ajar.He usually locked it at night.That probably meant Wufei was awake, and since Duo didn't really feel like being alone. . .

He opened the door silently.Wufei was awake, but he didn't notice Duo quietly slip into the room.

Wufei was leaning, silhouetted by a quiet stream of moonlight, through the open window.His head was slightly raised and his hands and stomach were pressed heavily against the windowsill.Duo stood in the doorway watching him for over a minute, and still Wufei didn't notice.

This sight was oddly calming for Duo, and all thoughts of the dream that had brought him here left.He remembered Wufei from that other, more confusing dream of the previous night.Duo decided to break the silence.

"Do you see the stars, Wufei?" Duo asked, watching the other stiffen, and turn. _I'm going to regret this,_ he thought vaguely, "Can you count them?"

Duo met Wufei's eyes, expecting to see anger.He was not disappointed.Behind that rage, though, he saw an emotion which surprised him.Fear.

He watched as Wufei glanced over towards his sword lying next to the bed.Duo wondered if he would still be alive now if Wufei had been standing closer to that weapon.

"Get out, Duo," Wufei said, rage controlled just below the surface.But it was false rage, Duo could tell.Wufei was just as much of a fake as he was. 

"Why?What did I say?" Duo asked, keeping his tone pleasant.If Wufei hid behind anger, Duo would stay behind his own false emotions.

"_Get out,"_ Wufei growled.He walked over to his sword and picked it up, "_Now."_

"It was just a simple question, Wu-man," Duo kept his position.He felt like he was in a dream.

"There are no simple questions, Maxwell.Now leave," the blade of the sword screamed downward, and Duo jumped out of the way, out the door, "and we can pretend this never happened," Wufei slammed the door in Duo's face.

Duo wondered again if this was a dream, but he knew it wasn't.He heard the sound of the door locking, and smiled darkly.No locked door could keep him out when he was determined.He had a feeling that this was not going to be the last time Wufei forced him out of that room on the edge of a sword.

Pretend it never happened?Sure, Duo could manage that.Until next time, of course.


	4. Tea and Rum

Warnings: This is yaoi, i.e. boy/boy.Do not read if that kind of thing bothers you.

Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing, or any of its characters.

Notes: 2+5, of course.Angst in the beginning, but the end gets a little strange.The next part looks like it's going to be about Wufei and Duo's drunken chess game.Well, read on.I'd love some comments; I might end up revising this one.

Counting Stars

Part 3: Tea and Rum

_It's so dark here; I can't breath._

_Why can't I breathe?_

Duo was standing in the doorway, "Do you see the stars, Wufei?" 

_I can't . . . what is wrong with me?_

__"Can you count them?" Duo sounded amused.He had his arms crossed, and he was leaning against the doorframe.How long had he been there?

_The bastard's taking my air, but I don't need it.All I need is Nataku. . . and the blade of my sword._Wufei glanced at his sword, then back.He saw Duo's eyes follow his, and smiled inwardly, _he thinks I want to kill him.Maybe I should._He had an absurd desire to laugh.But his humor quickly turned into anger.How long had that idiot been standing there, watching him?

"Get out, Duo," Wufei was careful to control his temper.

"Why?What did I say?"This all felt so unreal, so fake.

"_Get out,"_ His weapon beckoned, and he answered.This was all wrong.He looked back at Duo, who was trying to look innocent, and growled, "_Now."_

Duo looked indecisive for a second; making Wufei hope that Duo would take his advice.No such luck, "It was just a simple question, Wu-man," 

_I can't breathe, can't you see?Get out, Maxwell.Before I really do kill you._Wufei wondered how he could talk without air, "There are no simple questions, Maxwell," _and the answer is longer than you want to know, _"Now leave," his arm moved without his will, bringing the blade downward in a heavy arc.Duo had to jump backward, out of the way, "And we can pretend this never happened," _and pretend that planets are flat and people aren't fools._Wufei slammed the door in Duo's shocked face.

He locked the door.

_Am I hyperventilating?I have to stop this . . ._ but his eyes turned back to the window.Just a little longer, until he could sleep.The peaceful stars reminded him that he was alone, but that it shouldn't upset him.He had his sword, his justice, and his dead wife to keep him company when he was lonely.His Nataku.

He wasn't hyperventilating, he realized.For some reason he was laughing; he had to stop, but he couldn't.That expression on Duo's face when he slammed the door, his own reaction to Duo's lucky choice of words, the sword, it was all too much.It wasn't funny, none of it was.Was he having a nervous breakdown?That would explain some things.

Duo went into the kitchen, still unable to sleep.Images from his dream kept coming back.What had Quatre meant when he said, "You're not real"?That he wasn't honest?

This was getting annoying.Maybe he should go back and apologize to Wufei for walking in on him.That seemed genuine, and Wufei liked hearing that he had been right.

Duo decided to bring a peace offering.He had to figure out this damn dream.

Wufei was waiting for him when Duo finally made his way back to the bedroom.

"You made tea," Wufei commented.He took the cup and saucer from Duo and set them on his bed.

"Yeah, well, I thought I should . . . apologize for . . . being a jerk and all that," Duo said awkwardly, "You know."

Wufei used the natural pause to take a sip of the tea.He grimaced, "How much sugar did you put in this, Maxwell?"

Duo smiled, "Eight."

"And is this rum I taste?"

Duo laughed now, "It's the only way I like tea.I think the alcohol gives the drink something it is severely lacking."

Wufei set the cup down, changing the subject, "There is no reason to apologize."

Duo nodded, "I know, but I felt it needed to be done.It's going to be a while before the others come back.I think Quatre would be upset if one of us were dead when they returned."

Wufei nodded.He stared down into his cup again, trying to get the nerve to drink again, "Is that it?"

"Well," Duo considered, "Uh . . . yeah, I guess."

Wufei waved towards the door.He picked up the cup and took another sip.Yes, it was still as bad as he remembered, almost worse.He looked up and noticed that Duo hadn't moved, "Do I have to throw you out again?"He remembered Duo's expression, and tried not to laugh.He kept his expression as stable as possible, and took another sip.It wasn't so bad this time.

Wufei had a strange expression on his face.Why did he keep drinking it if he hated it so much?Duo watched him choke down another sip, "Well I don't think I'm going to get any sleep tonight.Wanna play a game of chess?I bet I can beat you."

Wufei felt suddenly wide-awake.Why not?

End of Part 3


	5. The Field, The Well, and the Castle

Warnings: This is yaoi, i.e. boy/boy.Do not read if that kind of thing bothers you.

Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing, or any of its characters.

Notes: 2+5, of course.

Counting Stars

Part 4: The Field, The Well, and the Castle.

Duo stood in a barren field; the grass beneath him was as black as the empty sky above.He spotted a red light blinking slowly in the distance, and followed it.

The shadows in front of him, far in the distance, shifted into a dark gray, and he realized that he was walking towards a wall.He couldn't see where either end of the wall stopped; both sides just faded into nothing.

Duo walked closer to the light and he saw that it lead to a giant gate.He hurried towards it.

There was a young woman standing guard.She wore no armor and her sword was absent from its sheath.The woman spotted Duo, but she continued leaning casually against the gate until he was close enough to speak with her.Then, she straightened slightly and smiled cheerfully at him.

"Duo Maxwell!I never expected to se you face-to-face," she greeted him, nodding politely.

"Where am I?" Duo asked, "And who are you?"

She stopped smiling, and answered, "I am Meiran.Well . . . kind of.His interpretation of her has been warped by time."

Duo was even more confused by this, and the fog that had been clouding his mind suddenly cleared, "What?Who is this he?What are you talking about?"

Meiran's fingers gently brushed her empty sheath while she answered, "This is Wufei. This place," she waved her left hand towards the wall, "is his fortress.You are the first visitor we've had in a long time," she looked at him, calculating.

"Wufei's fortress?This is a dream, right?Brought on by all the drinking?"

She laughed, "Sort of."

He smiled back, "This is one of the stranger dreams I've had.Can I go inside the fortress?"

Her hand reached back towards the empty sheath, then relaxed, "You know, I kind of like you.Maybe I will let you in.Though, I'm not supposed to let anyone in without a password," she shrugged, "Oh, well, go on in.Just don't spread the word that I let you by so easily, okay?"

"Sure," he agreed, eager.It was either go in, or sit outside and wait until he woke up.

Meiran gestured, and the giant door disappeared.Beyond the now gaping hole, Duo could see the inside of the fortress.Meiran pushed him inside, lightly, and whispered, "Don't bother trying to get inside the castle itself.That guard takes his job much more seriously than I do," she finished.The gate slammed shut behind him.

The first person Duo saw was a little boy lying on the grass a few feet in front of him.He realized that the little boy was actually Wufei.

Wufei spotted Duo, and sat up.

"What are you doing?" Duo asked, softly.Wufei looked about eight, and he was very small for his age.

"Star-gazing," Wufei said, "Want to join me?"

Duo sat down on the cold grass and looked up at the sky.The walls surrounding them folded downward, revealing the brightly lit sky.Outside the fortress the sky had been blank, but in here there were thousands of stars, millions.And they weren't stable, either.They raced across the sky, crossing each other's path, but never touching.

"Those are all the little people," Wufei explained, his voice calm, "I have to count them all."

Duo turned to Wufei, and saw that he wasn't even looking up.

"One, two, three. . . you made me lose count by coming here.Meiran shouldn't have let you in," Wufei looked at Duo, "Four, five, six, seven . . ."

Duo smiled at the boy, "How can you count them if you aren't even looking at them?"

"I know this sky by heart, after so much time."

"But the stars keep moving, how can you know?"

Wufei pulled up some grass, "I can't, but does it matter?I'll never count high enough.There just isn't a large enough number to dissolve the truth.Sometimes I can't even look at them anymore, they're so far away."

"What's so far away?" Duo watched the child rip out a small circle of grass from the ground.He looked back up at the sky for a moment, and when he looked back, the grass had returned.

Wufei noticed Duo's surprise, "This is a single night preserved, Duo.Nothing can change a memory," he looked sad about this, "Anyway, it's the little stars that are too far away for me to see," he took a deep breath, and continued, "When I was young I sat outside on a night exactly like this one and counted the stars as they appeared in the sky.I sat in the same spot all night long, just counting, until I realized something."

"What?"

"I realized that I could never reach them.Even if I flew all the way to a single one of them, when I got there, I'd be just as far away from them as I was before.Do you notice how they never touch?" Wufei was still staring at the ground, "Reaching one only gets me back where I started."

Duo considered this for a while, staring at the points of light above him, "But if you believe this so deeply, why do you even bother counting them anymore?"

"I don't know.I guess . . . I guess that I hope that when I reach a higher number than the one I reached that night, I will discover a different truth.One that won't leave me so alone," the child suddenly turned his face up to the sky, "One hundred!" he sighed and turned back to Duo, "You can go now, if you want.I can't tell you anymore until I find my new truth."

Duo stood up, "Can't I help you?" he asked, already knowing the answer.

"No.I'm only a memory."

Duo kept walking towards the castle in the center of the fortress.The walls rose up again, and the sky darkened.

He saw another Wufei in the distance, standing by a well.This one looked about the age Wufei was now, but his eyes were oddly blank.He spotted Duo, and waved.

"I'm surprised Meiran let you in," Wufei said, turning back to the well once Duo had reached him.

"What are you doing?" Duo asked, curious.There was a steady stream of . . . something entering the well.It looked like a river of shadow.

"I'm the well-keeper.I watch to make sure none of the shadow-water escapes once it goes down the well."

"What is it?" The constant movements of the shadow made Duo feel vaguely seasick.

"These are feelings connected to memories," the well keeper explained, "The shells of these are the memories themselves.They make up the walls that surround this place."

Duo came closer and looked down the well.It faded into blackness, "Is there a bottom?" he asked.

"There isn't supposed to be.I don't really know.That is the business of the Wufei who lives inside the castle."

Duo glanced again inside the well, and then waved good-bye to the well keeper.He had to reach the castle before he woke up.

Wufei was standing guard at the door to the castle.

"Hey, Wufei," Duo greeted him.

"I see Meiran let you in, Maxwell," the guard growled, "Even though you didn't know the password."

"Can I help it if I'm just so damn charming?" Duo questioned.

The guard glared, "There is no justice in her actions.She will be punished."

"Punished?Why?"Duo stepped up to the figure, and glared back.This was much more like the Wufei he knew.But he knew, instinctively, that this was not the real Wufei.The real one was hidden behind that door.

"She is a fool.If I had a choice, I wouldn't have married her."

Duo choked, "You were married, Wu-man?What?"

"Never mind.You need to give me the password, or fight me, if you wish to pass."

Married?He would have to ask the real Wufei about that once he reached him, "I don't know the password, so I'll fight you."

The guard laughed, "Really?I've never been beaten."

Duo smiled, "I actually doubt anyone's ever even tried to defeat you before.Let me pass."

The guard took a sword out of his sheath, and then took out another.He handed one to Duo, "I'll start when you're ready."

Duo didn't wait, and slammed the sword down- into nothing.The guard was gone, the fortress was gone, even the castle was gone.All that was left was the door into the castle, _sans_ guard.He opened the door and stepped inside.

Wufei was sitting at a desk, reading a book.He looked up when Duo entered, and smiled, "Hello, Duo," he absently pushed a thin pair of glasses to a more comfortable position.

"Hello, Wufei.I finally found you."

Duo woke up then, the image of Wufei's smiling face still reflected behind his eyes.


	6. Clouds and Coffee

Warnings: This is yaoi, i.e. boy/boy.Do not read if that kind of thing bothers you.

Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing, or any of its characters.

Notes: 2+5.There's just a little more until the ending.

Counting Stars

Part 5: Clouds and Coffee

Duo woke up with Wufei's smiling image still in his mind . . . only to meet the very angry and confused face of the real-life Wufei staring down at him.

Wufei woke feeling a little . . . strange.His head hurt; the tiniest sound reverberated in his brain until the slight ruffling of his blankets sounded like the ocean.An indistinguishable sound to his right smashed his skull into a thousand pieces, from the inside.

He had a sudden flash of memory.He remembered himself, and Duo, drinking brandy straight from the bottle.

Something moved against Wufei's arm, but he ignored it.

What had they done?And why couldn't he remember?He strained his memory, searching.A slow trickle of memory began to return.If only this pain in his head didn't surge whenever he started to remember something important.

That annoying thing to his right shifted again.

He glanced at his clock on the left.It was one in the afternoon.Thankfully, the other pilots had yet to return, so he didn't have to deal with them yet.Wufei felt his face grow slightly warm; he still had to deal with Duo.What had they done, dammit?Duo had said something that had ended up getting both of them upset, or something.

That weight against his right arm was really irritating.Wufei glanced over, and had a heart attack.

Duo, his hair all undone, was curled up against his arm.

Wufei looked at the clock again.Yes, it was still one in the afternoon.He looked back to his right.Yes, Duo was still there, and waking up.

The question was very insistent now.What the hell had they done?

_The two boys are sitting across from each other at the kitchen table.Between them there is a large bottle of brandy, half empty._

_Duo is leaning with his elbows on the table and his head in his hands.He is rocking back and forth, staring at Wufei, "What were you looking at, before, Wu-man, when I walked in on you?" he asked, rocking slightly back and forth._

_Wufei narrows his eyes in suspicion, and copies Duo's stance.The two boys are now staring straight at each other, "Jus' the sky.I couldn't sleep.Why were you still awake?"_

_Duo broke the gaze and looked up at the ceiling, "Sometimes . . . I have dreams.Nightmares, act'ly."_

_Wufei nodded, "Yeah," and they sat a moment in silent drunken understanding._

_Duo, inevitably, broke the silence, "Wufei, what do you think of me?"_

_"Why?" Wufei asked softly, his mind elsewhere._

_"Just because," Duo said, taking a drink directly out of the bottle, "I don't really dislike you anymore."_

_"Anymore? Well, I guess I don't think you're as annoying as I did before . . ."_

_Duo nodded, and took another drink.He handed the bottle to Wufei._

_ _

Duo stared at Wufei a moment, before pushing him away.Damn reality; where was the Wufei from his dream?

They were now sitting on the floor of Wufei's room.The brandy was long gone, and Wufei was laughing at something Duo had just said.

_Duo was smiling, with a strange look in his eyes, "You look good when y' smile, Fei."_

__

Duo saw the panic behind Wufei's eyes and comforted him, "Nothing happened, Fei.We just both passed out in here," he noted the relief in his friend's eyes with grim amusement.He wondered how quickly that expression could disappear, "Were you married, Wufei?"

This question only made Wufei confused, "What?I don't remember telling you about that . . ."

"Yes, then?"

Wufei sat on the edge of the bed, pushing his loose hair out of his eyes.

What was this feeling?Duo closed his eyes.Why did he feel such regret?His dream- should he tell Wufei?

Wufei nodded, "It was arranged," he said, standing uneasily, "She's gone, now."

Duo wondered at how Wufei could talk about her death with such a detached nature.The image of a well flashed through his mind.

"I remember why I never drink," Wufei mumbled, stumbling off to the bathroom.

Duo lay back in Wufei's bed.

_"And then Quatre told me I wasn't real, and left with Trowa.Then Heero left, and it was just us.Then you asked me if I could 'see the stars,' and you said I couldn't," Duo explained.He and Wufei were lying on the floor of the hallway._

_"Really strange," Wufei said, fascinated.He stood up, almost overbalancing, and stumbled into his room.He didn't hear Duo come up behind him, "Can you count the stars, Duo?" he asked, mostly to himself._

_"It's cloudy out, tonight," Duo said, suddenly, causing Wufei to lose his balance.Duo tried to catch him, and ended up falling, as well, "Ow, Fei, get off!"_

_Wufei started to laugh, "Is it?I didn't even notice!"_

_Duo pushed him off and, seeing Wufei's expression, started to laugh with him._

_ _

Ten minutes later, Wufei walked back in the room.He looked a little better, "I'm making some coffee," he told Duo, turning immediately away.

Duo got up, his head still pounding.He cleaned up in the bathroom before entering the kitchen.He saw the empty bottle in the middle of the table where they had left it.

"I had another dream last night, Fei.Like the one I told you about last night," Duo said, sitting down at the table and pushing the bottle into the garbage can.

Wufei looked confused a minute, and then nodded, "I remember now," he actually smiled slightly.

Duo watched the other pilot set their cups on the table before speaking again, "No tea this morning?"

Wufei shuddered mockingly, "I don't think I'll ever drink it again."

Duo laughed.Then he leaned forward, "You don't want to hear about my dream?"

Wufei took a sip of the coffee.He didn't really like coffee much, either, "Tell me later."

Duo nodded.He would have to remember to do that.

The two boys slowly stopped laughing.Duo turned to Wufei, to ask him what had been so funny, when he realized the other boy was crying.

_"Fei, what's wrong?" Duo put his hands on Wufei's shoulders, and looked into his eyes.He had never seen him cry before._

_Wufei shook his head, "All this time, I never saw . . ." he bowed his head and didn't finish._

_Duo pushed Wufei's head back up and looked in his eyes again, "You didn't see _what_ Wufei?"_

_"They weren't there in the first place!" Wufei cried, slumping forward onto Duo's shoulder._

_Duo didn't understand, but he held on to the other while he cried._

_ _

Wufei was never going to drink again.

Duo watched Wufei slowly turn an interesting shade of pink.

_Wufei looked Duo deep in the eyes.They were so close that their noses were almost touching._

_Duo met Wufei's gaze for a minute, then closed the remaining gap between them.God, Wufei was so warm._

_ _

They avoided each other's eyes; each hoping the other would speak first.

"Why are you blushing, Fei?" Duo asked, softly.He felt his own face grow warm.

"I just-I just remembered something," Wufei explained into his coffee.

Duo fell away, leaving Wufei feeling confused and cold.But he couldn't show how the kiss had affected him, "Why did you do that, Maxwell?"

_Duo smirked, "I can see them, can you, Fei?" he asked._

_Wufei brushed the mix of perspiration and tears off his face, "Let's just go to sleep," he said, wearily, "And talk about this later."_

_ _

It was later; Duo leaned across the table and kissed Wufei, firmly.


	7. The Idol

Warnings: This is yaoi, i.e. boy/boy.Do not read if that kind of thing bothers you.

Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing, or any of its characters.

Notes: 2+5.Just a little more until the end!

Counting Stars

Part 6: The Idol

Wufei instinctively pulled away from the sudden kiss, but Duo reached across the table and grasped his shoulders tightly.He couldn't get away now without some kind of violence.

Duo pushed foreword gently with his lips; the other pilot closed his eyes against the sudden rush of sensation.He could feel Duo's heart beating through his hot breath, and, oh gods, he wanted to be closer.

_The first star is for discipline; the last is for realization._

But behind his eyelids he could still see that same night sky, beckoning and warning.The closer he got, the further he would be.He had to; he had to . . .

Wufei drudged up the last of his will and violently pushed Duo away.He watched as the braided pilot fell backwards into his chair, barely managing to keep his balance.Duo looked up, a strange, burning look in his eyes and on his face.Wufei kept his vision close to him; his shield of stars would protect him.Duo was standing; Wufei had to get away.

"You pushed me," Duo said, taking three careful steps around the table to where Wufei was standing.

Wufei cleared his throat, "You…kissed me," he said, quietly.

Duo laughed bitterly, "Can you see the stars, Wufei?They're fucking clear to me.And they don't mean anything."

Wufei leaned away and felt the cold hard pressure of the kitchen wall against his back, "Are you real, Duo?Is this real?Any of this?I'm not Trowa; and you're definitely not Quatre."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Duo asked, already understanding.

Wufei shook his head.Those last words had made Duo draw away.The closer he got… he looked into his sky and saw himself drawing closer and closer to a star.But the sun was too hot for him; the cold stars beckoned him again.It was better to chase the spaces between them, those deep black expanses, and never draw too close… but could Duo understand this?He took another step toward the door, sliding against the cold wall, "It means 'stay away', Maxwell.I don't want this."

Duo stared at the Chinese pilot, confused.How could he feel this about Wufei?He'd been drunk last night; there was some excuse.But now… he was so damn drawn to Wufei that it hurt.Was it his dreams?Had they brought him here, making him think things he shouldn't?

What had drawn Duo?Just standing here, he could see it.He decided to memorize every feature, every nervous motion Wufei made while waiting for Duo's response.Some of Wufei's hair, usually so tightly bound, had escaped its elastic.Several loose strands brushed against Wufei's forehead.And those eyes that held everything in so well now, which he had begun to see behind.Wufei was a poignant mystery that he would never solve…unless he let him.

Even as Duo committed Wufei to memory the other pilot was drawing further away, pushing his thoughts deep into his bottomless well.

Duo knew what he had to say, "Do you want to hear about my dream now?" he gave a fake grin, "You were in it," _and not this guardian figure.I saw you, and you smiled at me.A real smile._

__Wufei shrugged, finally reaching the door.He had to get out of here, back to his room.

"What's wrong with you, Fei?" Duo asked before Wufei could leave, "Are you afraid?"

Wufei froze.What was wrong with him? "I'm not afraid, Maxwell."

Duo laughed, "I may not be real, but I know what is real and what is not.You keep counting trivialities, looking for truths that don't exist."

"What?"

"There is nothing, there never was anything that the stars can tell you.You came up with your own truth, and made it true yourself.You decided you didn't _need_ or _want_ to be close to anyone, so you could build your own peaceful fortress to keep everyone away.The stars were always just an excuse," he paused, "an idol to hold up as a reason."

Wufei felt something inside him begin to boil.It felt like anger, but this wasn't the pure, righteous anger that came so easily to him.Right now, he didn't want justice.He wanted to wring Duo's slightly muscular neck until he took back everything he had just said.Until he stopped questioning what Wufei had based his entire existence on, "So," he said, his voice still sounding calm, "everything I've ever believed is wrong.It is all an… idol I use for my own means."

Duo didn't recognize that expression on Wufei's face, "Yes.You are a fool, Fei, to have stayed so far away from us for so long, away from me," _Other people reassure us that we exist._

"I'm a fool," Wufei whispered, "I'll admit to that.A wise man wouldn't still be standing here."

Duo laughed, "Very true; we're both fools, then."

Wufei realized he really should leave now, before he boiled over._All a lie._The anger, and something else, snapped inside him.He was drowning in a sudden sea of old memories and emotions; he couldn't control it any more.So he poured them out, onto Duo.

All the other pilot knew was that one second Wufei was standing there, silent, and the next Duo found himself pinned to the floor.Wufei had lunged out of the doorway and slammed Duo down onto the tiles.

"Wufei," Duo gasped, "what are you doing?" he didn't struggle, he wouldn't until he knew Wufei's intentions.From this distance he could smell the pilot's sweat.

Wufei looked down at the God of Death, shocked with himself.He had fought so hard to get away, and somehow ended up even closer.How was that possible?Duo's warm body shifted slightly under him.And why wasn't he struggling?

The places their bodies touched were growing warm. Again, Wufei felt the incredible urge to get even closer, despite its almost impossibility.He had two options now; he could sense this truth as easily as he could feel Duo's shoulders under his hands.The first choice was to get up and leave.Return to his room and wait for night so he could stare out his window.Or he could try to get closer.He knew which he wanted, but that closeness terrified him.Duo was right; he was scared.

Duo saw the sudden instability and indecision cross Wufei's features.He waited, smiling.Duo had already made his decision. 

Wufei sighed, and chose.He wanted to see how close to the sun he could get before being burned.The stars faded slightly in his memory as he closed the distance between the two of them.And for a while, he forgot everything.


	8. Night and Falling Starlight

Warnings: This is yaoi, i.e. boy/boy.Do not read if that kind of thing bothers you.

Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing, or any of its characters.

Notes: 2+5.The conclusion.

Counting Stars

Part 7: Night and Falling Starlight

Quatre leaned against his lover; tired from the mission.It was good to be back here, even if they were going to have to leave soon.Trowa looked down at him protectively, and Quatre smiled reassuringly.They didn't even need words.He could tell from that familiar look in Trowa's eyes exactly what he wanted to do with him once they got inside.

Heero cleared his throat, and the distracted couple continued to ignore him.He went to open the door and Quatre and Trowa walked through it, like he'd been holding it open for them.They had only one thing on their minds…but so did he.He needed to get on his laptop; what if they'd received a mission while they'd been standing outside the door?

Quatre whispered in Trowa's ear, "I could use a shower before…"

"Me too."

"Well no use wasting the water if we both need…"

Heero stopped listening.And now they were standing _in_ the door, blocking it from anyone who might've needed to get inside.He cleared his throat again, and this time they heard him.

"Oh, sorry Heero," Quatre said, walking inside, his love following a step behind.

The kitchen was a mess.Papers strewn everywhere, a pile of dishes still unwashed in the sink, the floor…

"Eep," Quatre said.He heard Heero follow them in and stop short.

There was Duo's shirt, Wufei's shirt, and Duo's pants, Wufei's-

There was Duo and Wufei.

Duo heard the slight hiccup sound behind them, but he didn't register it before he heard the sound of someone clearing his throat.Then he remembered exactly _where_ they were.

Wufei was a little faster in his reaction, but not much.They both jumped to their feet as quickly as their situation allowed.

For a full minute, the five pilots stood facing each other.Then, of course, Duo was the first to break the silence.

"What are you doing back already?!I was just about to get some-"

"Shut up, Duo," Wufei said, in a surprisingly warm voice.He was silently thanking every god he could think of that they hadn't removed all their clothes yet.They were never going to hear the end of this. Even if he never touched Duo again, they would not-

Duo saw the disturbingly distant look in Wufei's eyes and glared at the others; "Now look what you did!" he gestured at Wufei.

Quatre shook his head violently, to clear it, "Umm, well… we have to go take a shower… congratulations…" he trailed off, still confused, "You know, I never saw you two together. I thought that-"

Trowa pulled insistently at Quatre's shirt, "Not our business."

Quatre nodded, "It is kinda sweet, though," he said over his shoulder, as he was lead away.

Heero felt kind of left out.Seeing the two of them like that, and now Quatre and Trowa were leaving…hmmm…he looked after the disappearing couple.He wondered how much room there was in that shower.But the missions….

Well, it shouldn't take that long.They probably wouldn't agree.

Duo and Wufei didn't notice him leave.

"What do you think of me, Fei?" Duo asked, softly.He didn't like the return of Wufei's distant attitude.

Wufei felt a sudden rush of emotion in response to the question.He didn't know how he felt; he'd never felt this strongly about someone since…his wife's death.But he had never felt _this_ way about her.Maybe he'd been too young.Or…he couldn't answer now, "Ask me later, Duo," maybe then he would know.

"I will," Duo answered, meeting Wufei's eyes.He would.But for now, this was enough.He saw something in Wufei's gaze, which could satisfy him, for the moment.

Wufei smiled slightly at him; a smile just for him, like the one in the dream.Duo closed the space between and pressed their lips together.He was reminded, again, how little they were wearing.He could feel…

The Chinese pilot pulled them apart, gasping, "Maybe we should leave the kitchen."

Duo laughed, and they did.

Heero was surprised that Quatre and Trowa, when he opened the curtain on the steaming shower, just glanced at each other and yanked him inside, clothes and all.

"After all," Quatre gasped, "Experimentation is the key to a good relationship."

Luckily for Heero, they weren't sent any missions for the next week.

Wufei and Duo were outside, lying on the grass, staring up at the sky.Wufei soon gave up on it, and looked at Duo instead.Duo didn't notice.

"Aren't they beautiful, Fei?" he whispered.

Wufei kept looking at Duo, "Yes.Duo?"

"Yeah?"

"You forgot to ask me again."

Duo sighed, "I didn't forget," he turned his head and saw Wufei looking at him, "I was going to wait a little longer.Why?Do you know?"

Wufei nodded, "I figured it out, just now."

Duo flipped over onto his stomach and rested his head on his hands, "Well?"

Wufei closed his eyes and took a deep breath.There was no mistaking the feeling, now.Whatever happened, he would never regret not telling him, "I love you, Duo."

He heard Duo gasp slightly, "You…"

"I love you."

Suddenly, Wufei felt a heavy pressure as Duo rolled on top of him.He opened his eyes and saw Duo grinning down at him.

"Fei?" Duo asked.

"Yes?"

"I love you, too."

THE END

I finished it!!!!!! And it's so sappy; I couldn't help myself.What did you think? 


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